Piano Practice

No words for today. Here is some piano instead - another practice session clip.

Click here if the video doesn't show up below.

Answers - My History With Wentworth

I was hoping I would get to skip out on this part of my history, but it appears determined to come up. 

There have been several emails asking for the full story of my history with Wentworth, invoking Rule 3 of the blog: complete honesty. Given how unsettled I have been by running into him again, it’s probably clear that saying ‘we dated’ doesn't sum it up properly.

So here it is.

Wentworth came into my neighbourhood to stay with his brother for a summer and we met by chance at the produce market his brother owned. Our connection was instant. 

This was eight years ago. I was 19, he was 23. I was about to go off to university, he had just finished.

Without getting all misty-eyed and silly, I will just say that I loved him, and he loved me. We spent every free moment together and talked about everything. Nothing could have been a greater contrast with the fitful high school relationships I had. Wentworth and I were honest and open and real with each other from the very first second. There were no games. It was comfortable and electric at the same time.

We would spend our free days finding places to be alone. He took me to a provincial park and we kayaked out to an island, had a picnic on the beach and pretended the rest of the world didn’t exist. We spent hours walking around the city, talking. If we weren't together, time dragged until we were. 

After a summer together - 4 amazing months - he proposed and I accepted. I knew that being with him was the right thing and marrying him seemed perfect.

I was persuaded by my family to retract my acceptance. They were convinced that at 19 I wasn't ready for marriage. Besides me being too young, they had other objections. From their point of view he was a young man fresh out of university with no way to support himself, no industry connections to speed his success along; he just had some crazy ideas and grand notions about his ability to realize his dreams. Dad would add that he came from a family name of no importance and was of insufficient social status to be marrying one of his daughters.

All this I could have withstood except Lacy’s argument that I would hold him back as he strove for a breakthrough in a tough industry. Wentworth was an entrepreneur and had beautiful dreams of changing the world by demonstrating that ethical businesses could be successful. He had just come out of the ‘cesspit of greed’ that was business school (his words) and believed even more strongly that he needed to prove he was right, to change the way the world did business. To realize his dreams, he would need to have years of late nights and intense focus on work. I didn't want to hold him back. He had great ideas and vision and ambition; he was going to change the world and I believed in him. I thought it was my duty to free him from the burden of me and I did it with great difficulty, out of love, and – in hindsight – out of stupidity.

I believe Wentworth thought I didn't love him. He certainly felt wronged and left town angry without giving us time to work through it or me a chance to properly explain. 

I never heard from him again. 

It took me a long time to recover from the loss; and my single status at 27 may hint at whether or not I ever found someone I liked better. I haven’t been sitting around pining after him, I've just never connected with anyone the way I did with him and I’m not interested in a relationship that lacks that.

Now, after all these years of silently following his success online (he was right - all his crazy ideas panned out and every company he started turned to gold), he is here again. Not for me, certainly, just coincidentally socializing with people I know which puts us in company together.

He has charmed everyone - they all see in him now what I saw eight years ago. He has apparently also found some of the Musgroves charming, because I’m told that he will be staying in the nearby resort town for a few weeks. He has an open invitation at the Lodge and we anticipate him to be there frequently.

I simultaneously live for and dread our first conversation in eight years.

Hard Truths

Louisa and Rietta came by today and happened to mention something that has been very helpful.

Lousia: Anne, you know we asked Wentworth what he thought of seeing you again, because Mary mentioned that you met him years ago, and, you know, he wasn't very nice!

Not Me! Photo by kroszka, filter by me

Me: oh really?

Rietta: That’s right! He said you had changed to so much he wouldn't have recognized you. Not a very polite thing to say.

Me: <mortification>

But really, I think it’s good to hear this.

Partly because it is true - I’m not the blooming youth I was when he and I met. While the years have added to his looks, they have only taken away from mine - I admit this; it’s how it generally is for men and women. I’m glad to hear this report, hearing his words sobers me up. All that wondering - is he thinking about me, is his being here reminding him of that time eight years ago - clearly the answer is that he has moved on, no warm feelings remain. And I have moved on too, really. I went on and lived my life, I hadn't really thought about him in years until all this. Now I feel like every blog entry I write is that of a gushing 16 year old. I’ll have to stop being silly and act like a grown up.

Shaking

My nephew is fine. He seems to be enjoying his turn at playing the invalid, and we’re all enjoying the unusual quiet around the house as a result of his containment.

Everyone reported that the dinner and evening party were fabulous. Wentworth has been described to me in glowing terms. He is charming, I’m told, very easy to talk to, no shyness, funny. Full of interesting stories. Handsome, of course. 

Mary gave me this intel:

Mary: he asked about you, Anne.

Me, heart stopped: really?

Mary: yes, nothing particular, just generally. He probably made a point of familiarizing himself with Father’s family tree before coming so he could be sure to pay proper respects to all of us. He is so thoughtful!”

Charles left a while ago for the Lodge. He and Wentworth arranged to go look at some trails in the woods today before we all head to town for a Remembrance Day ceremony. They thought it best to avoid the cottage because of my ill nephew (or is there something else at the cottage Wentworth is keen to avoid?).

. . . . . .

My hands are shaking.

The front door opened, just as I typed the text above, and it was Charles and Wentworth. Charles had forgotten his gloves so they stopped here on their way to the woods. I was in the living room with Mary and Wentworth walked in and time stopped while every feeling in the known universe rushed over me.

He said hello to Mary and glanced at me. Said something general and pleasing to Mary which I couldn't pay attention to because I was trying not to explode into a thousand pieces. And then he was gone and it was done - our first meeting was over. Mary talked at me for a while after that, but I don’t think I heard a word. I've been sitting at my laptop for twenty minutes trying to compose this, trying to calm myself. 

We stood in the same room - he saw me and I saw him! It’s absurd that after 8 years I should be this agitated. I need to go for a walk and clear my head. 

He is still as good looking as he ever was.

Get A Grip

I am a horrible person - I've been made happy by the injury of my nephew.

We were all scheduled to have dinner at the Lodge tonight with Wentworth as the special guest. The Musgroves met him last week in town and invited him over for tonight’s dinner. I was to go tonight too, of course.

I dreaded the dinner all day long. I thought up a thousand excuses to avoid going, but in the end I decided I should just get it over with. If Wentworth is going to be in the area for a while, then I will have to see him, I will have to learn how to be unaffected by his being around.

About two hours before dinner my nephew got into some mayhem outside while Charles wasn't looking and managed to fracture his arm! He went to the hospital and has been bandaged up and will be fine. Mary was in hysterics when it happened but recovered enough to want to still go to the dinner.

It was arranged that I would stay with my nephew while Mary and Charles went to dinner. I was surprised they both would choose a party over nursing their injured son, but I may have encouraged them to go since it allowed me to delay the meeting with Wentworth a bit longer.

The coward in me triumphed tonight.

They've left for the dinner and my nephew is asleep, leaving me awake to wonder what Wentworth must be feeling at the prospect of meeting me again. I assume he is indifferent. He is probably totally unaffected by my name. He could have reached out to me at any time during the past eight years and he didn't. Obviously he has moved on. He must have some small curiosity, though, right?

Walk in the Woods

In the rush of productivity I had after getting feedback on my program proposal, I forgot to post the link to the short video I made a few days ago! Nothing fancy, just some snippets from one of my walks in the woods (without Bandit). We had a sunny day - which can be a rare thing in November - and I wanted to share how peaceful the woods are here with you.

I'm pretty bad at filming video footage, but I think it gets the setting across.  Maybe helps you understand how lovely it is here, and how my daily walks help me keep my sanity.

On the social front - the Musgroves have met Wentworth and invited him to dinner. Am trying not to think about that.

Click here if the video doesn't show up below.

Feedback

I got the feedback from my old professor and her colleague and both of them were overwhelmingly positive about what I have proposed!!!

They provided some critical analysis too, suggestions, advice for additional people I can contact for more information and possible resources.

I'm practically buzzing right now - both from the positive feedback and the critical. I've been working on this alone in isolation for months now (how has that much time passed already??), it is amazing to have knowledgeable outside input and encouragement.

I have excused myself from all of Mary's plans for today and am driving into town to work at the library. I want to make progress while I'm so energized!

In conclusion: yay!!