Q&A #5

Q&A

You all apparently have many questions for W.

I haven’t told him about this blog yet, though I probably will one day - let him read it and see how his behaviour at the Lodge tortured me. Or not. 

But I did get some answers for you that I can share.

Q: W's use of 'half hope, half agony' in his email - is that a hint that he read this blog??

Ah, no. The half and half thing is something W and I used to say to each other back when we first dated - whenever one of us asked how the other was doing, the response was some variation of 'half x and half y". W was never satisfied with my single emotion answers, he wanted more, wanted nuance, wanted to better understand what was going on, so I started responding with fractional responses. Sometimes it was "half happy, a quarter annoyed at Beth, and a quarter anxious about the possibility of rain".  Yes, we were dorks.

Q1: Why didn't Wentworth come see me as soon as he got to Bath? He came to Bath just to see me, right?

A: I did ask him about this the night we finally got together. Here's the story. He had been in Bath for about an hour when he ran into his friends and went to the cafe where he ran into me. And then saw Will. And then his friends from Bath had told him that according to society gossip, Will and I were ‘close’. Which was confirmed when he saw me and Will at the concert. He explained how conflicted he was that night - wanting to tell me he still loved me but worried he was too late. After that he was undecided - he was convinced he couldn't compete with Will who had my family’s approval, and he felt sure I must hate him after how he treated me at the Lodge.


Q2: Was I in love with Wentworth the whole time?

A: Well, he is probably the reason all my other attempts at relationships failed - they paled in comparison to what W and I had - we connected so perfectly. But I wasn't sitting and pining after him for eight years. Maybe 2 years. Or 3 max.

When he showed up at the Lodge - reading back through the blog posts I can clearly see how much I was in denial. I wouldn't admit it but I hoped that we would see each other and fall back in love and so his icy demeanor hurt all the more. I tried to get used to the idea that it wasn't going to happen, that he and I had our chance and I blew it and that was it. But I kept harbouring hope - this tiny scrap of ‘maybe’ deep down inside. When I found out he and Louisa were not a thing, that little bit of hope exploded to fill every bit of me and I decided that I needed to try again with W - to risk rejection and more heartache, I couldn't go on without trying to have him by my side again. I wasn't sure how to go about it, and I certainly didn't blog about it, but it took up a lot of my brain space, trying to figure out how to make my move. Then he showed up in Bath…. And made the move for me.


Q3: What about Will?

A: Oh, Will. Now there is a tale. About a week ago, Elizabeth walked into Clara’s room before breakfast, to confirm the plans they had for the day. And she found Will hastily putting on his pants.

I know!

So, Clara has left. Rumour has it she is staying in one of Will’s apartments. Not sure if they’re serious about a relationship or just having a fling. I suspect Clara will be disappointed in the end, but who knows. Maybe it’s true love for both of them, you never know. My dad was a bit mopey for a few days, but someone gave him a new anti-wrinkle cream to try so he’s been distracted. He made a comment yesterday about Clara’s freckles (Dad loathes freckles), so I think he’s getting over her…. if the two of them even had a thing to begin with, something I prefer not to know the details of.

Elizabeth was angry at first, I think; having had hopes for Will twice now that have been disappointed. But she went on a date yesterday with a new guy in town, someone who seems to have most of The List criteria… so, fingers crossed? I don’t really know what’s going on with Beth, she won’t give me a serious answer when I ask questions about her personal life. If she ever does get engaged, I suspect we’ll all find out about it in the society pages first, me included.


Q What has W said about dating Louisa?

Louisa is a lovely person, but she’s so young, I was surprised when Wentworth seemed to be interested in her. He said he honestly didn't realize everyone thought they were so serious. They never officially went out on a date. They hung out a lot, but usually with other people – skiing with Rietta, dinner with the family, etc. He said there was one time - where he showed up at a restaurant expecting to meet a group of people for dinner and found only Louisa there. Looking back he realized she thought they were on a romantic date, he thought everyone had just bailed on dinner. There was one awkward kiss that Louisa planted on him after he drove her home from that dinner (she was pretty tipsy), but otherwise nothing actually happened between them, despite everyone’s idea that they were dating.

So, that should teach us all not to speculate about the relationships of others!

Family

One of my few regrets about my relationship with W is that I don’t have any family members I can look forward to introducing him to.

He has siblings who are all wonderful - warm and friendly and smart and funny. Sophy's delight on finding out W and I were together was so heart-warming! W cooked dinner for the Crofts and I and Sophy gave me a long hug when I arrived and kept smiling all night. Mr. Croft seemed confused about it, but once W reminded him that we had dated before, he shrugged and told W that 'however he had managed to get me, he was a lucky fellow'. 

In contrast, my family is so.... unwelcoming and so focused on their own stuff, it’s constantly embarrassing. Wentworth is rich and successful enough to meet Dad’s approval (not that it matters - nothing anyone says is keeping me from W this time), but Dad had to make remarks about the fact that W earned his money and position rather than having it as a birthright, which is - whatever, it’s Dad, it’s how he is. Wentworth is annoyed by it but now he knows that my Dad’s views are not mine and I live my life guided by my views, not my family’s. Being in company with my family is strange. W does his best to be friendly and charming and patient, Clara takes her cue from Elizabeth who is friendly but not overly so. And Dad values W mostly as someone new to listen to him talk about himself. W's furtive side glances at me whenever someone says something exceptionally stuck up or ridiculous makes it really hard not to burst out laughing.

W also has a large circle of good friends - and by good I mean, good people and good company. I really only have a few close friends these days - Lacy and Alicia, and some back in [place name redacted].

Speaking of friends, when W found out about Alicia’s investment problem, he immediately called his lawyer who wrote a threatening letter to Will’s company. The lawyer predicts the shares will be released in a week at most. Alicia of course loves W now, almost as much as I do. Fingers crossed for Alicia, she could use a change of luck!

W’s year off comes to an end in three months. He says his goal for the year was to spend time with friends and family and to recharge, find new inspiration. His previous start-ups are going well and he is itching to start something new. Lately he’s been saying he wants to take me away somewhere for a month or two - a cabin on a tropical beach or a house in a tiny French village.

I told him his timing was terrible.

Of course, I've been telling him about my non-profit project. He’s given me some great, practical advice on starting up a new venture. He also offered to fund it. 

It’s incredibly generous of him, and it may be that by rejecting his funding, I won’t be able to start, but… I don’t want to put that burden on our fledgling new relationship. I also want to find a stable funding source that is earned by the merit of my project - though I know those are rare and I’m probably being overly idealistic - but I have to try. I've got a meeting set with Ms. Dalrymple in early March to pitch it to her. With Jane and Emily’s help and W’s polish and business savvy, I’m confident I’ll get her on board and it will be so much more satisfying to do it this way.

So the plan for now is to stay in Bath, and at some point transition back home together. The future is a bit up in the air, but W is reaching out to his contacts in [place name redacted] to explore some ideas and see what opportunities there are. He likes the idea of being closer to his siblings. I asked if he minded picking up his life and moving across the country and he laughed and said his life was here already, all that was left in the other city were his books. 

Language

I thought you would all appreciate knowing that W is being very sweet in unexpected ways. For example, flowers keep arriving from him. They've been coming at the rate of two bouquets a day!

They are beautiful bouquets with one strange bit - they consist of all red roses with a single stem or sprig of some other plant that is labeled on the card. I was confused until a copy of ‘the language of flowers’ from 1885 appeared on my bed.

By order of arrival, it’s been this:

Purple lilac: first emotions of love

Carolina Jasmine: separation

Lemon geranium: unexpected meeting

Fool’s Parsley & yellow rose: silliness & jealousy

Hazel: reconciliation

Sorrel Wood: joy

And the last bouquet was a giant bundle of
Forget-me-nots: true love

Obviously I did the only thing I could. I responded today with a bouquet of lily of the valley (return of happiness) and a card with an invitation to a hotel I booked because… well because I’m living with my dad at the moment and W is staying with his sister and we could use some time alone.

Note: getting oddball flowers delivered is very hard - no idea how he did it! Where does one get hazel??

Additional note; Elizabeth awkwardly handed me the first bouquet after it arrived (having assumed it would be for her since I have never received flowers before). She didn't ask anything. But when the second bouquet arrived she asked who they were from. She seemed very relieved when I said W's name, although she then had to ask who W was.

Dog

Despite my blog content of late, I do have other things in my life besides man-drama.

I have to send W away every now and then so I can spend time with Jane and Emily and their organization. It's really important to me to meet their expectations, however much I want to just disappear into the sunset with W.

At the centre, one of the little boys I've been working with during my volunteer shifts is painfully shy. I've been trying to get him to practice reading aloud with me, but haven’t made much progress.

I made contact with a woman who has a beautiful golden retriever therapy dog and after some prep work and training today she brought the dog in to try my idea. We introduced the boy to the dog and he was thrilled. They ended up snuggled in a corner with the boy reading his favorite book to the patient and attentive dog and handler. It was sweet and wonderful - but most importantly - effective in getting the boy to open up. Jane was there and said she had a number of kids she thought this would be a great help for. I’m very pleased that I could find a way to help an award-winning program expand and improve!

Life is pretty awesome right now.

Random

I wonder, if W and I had stayed together from the start, would we have made it?

I think so, I think we would have been happy together, grown together… but it would have been harder in some ways.

I’m doing my best to see this silver lining - that he and I get to rediscover each other, find out what has stayed the same and what has changed about each other. In essentials we are both what we were, but there is still plenty to discover.

He’s been telling me about his project ideas, some of which are amazing - and I’m not just saying that because I love him and think he’s awesome. The best part is that we can talk for hours about our ideas like we did eight years ago - we still connect. Eight years ago we were dreaming together, now it’s more exciting because he’s proven himself and has resources - everything is more real, more doable. He is tempered a bit, experience has taught him how much work it is to achieve the things he wants, and he is more calculated now about what he puts his energy into. It’s such fun to challenge him and debate things again; he sometimes gets annoyed when I point out issues he hasn't considered, like I’m raining on his parade, but he gets over it quickly.  And he's challenging me too, questioning my business plan, testing to see if I've done my research, dreaming up things that are bigger and bolder than anything I've dared to put down on paper.

I don't know how to describe what my days are like now. I have been pretty solitary for a long time. The default setting was to be alone - even in company I was alone, making small talk, not really engaging with people. Every now and then I would get to spend time with a friend, someone who understands me and with whom I could have a real conversation, but those were exceptions. Now, I spend all my free time with W and I feel....  seen.

One of you said once on twitter that someday I would find 'my people', the ones who appreciated my quirks and foibles and world view.  I wasn't so sure.  Now I believe.

Tonight W is cooking dinner for the Crofts and myself. W has the task of telling his sister what our status is, which is awkward only because there isn't really a word that properly captures it. We aren't engaged, 'dating' seems weak, 'lovers' makes me blush. I'm disappointed in English for failing me so completely on this front. I wonder if other languages have a word for this - something less cheesy than 'soul mate' but stronger than 'boyfriend'?

W took me to this awesome used bookstore that I hadn't known about. Love.

Hearts

How awesome is this bike rack?

Yesterday, I kid you not, was the first day of sun we have had here in... a  month? It rains all winter long, and going weeks without seeing sunlight is pretty typical. Yesterday the sun came out and the entire city came alive with happy people. Birds were chirping, cherry trees were blossoming. It was perfect.

I am determined to make Lacy and W friends. They are the people I care about most in the world, and I’m determined that they should learn to appreciate one another.

W still has some lingering resentment against Lacy for being the one that persuaded me that we should not marry. He is open to the idea of getting to know her, especially as he acknowledges that he played the larger part in our long separation, not Lacy. On her side, Lacy has to get over her memory of W as a quietly arrogant young man whose personality grated on her and come to know the man as he is today. She also has to get over the hopes she had of Will and I. Will won her over (as Will does everyone) and she thought he was perfect for me. This will be easily solved by relating what Alicia told me. I think, ultimately, Lacy wants me to be happy - and seeing me with W must comfort her that that has been achieved, finally. I am far happier than I feel I deserve to be.

I also can't help but notice all the hearts that seem to be around me that I swear were not there before.

Conversations

I didn't get much sleep last night. W and I did a lot of talking - while walking, over dinner, over wine, in late night cafes - basically anyplace that would let us stay. I feel pretty good for someone operating on very little sleep.

Our plans for today are vague beyond just being together and generally avoiding others. I came home for a nap and to freshen up and get new clothes. I'm meeting W at the harbour shortly. He has an idea that involves a boat. At some point we will have to interact with other people again, and in some way explain our status to people who probably won't understand. It will be okay, I'm not worried about it, I just don't want to spend my energy on it yet. I want to focus on W, and getting to know him as he is now.

We've had so many interesting conversations in the past 18 hours - mostly going over the past. I can’t recount them all. But this one - this is probably an important one:

W: If I had called you, a few months after you dumped me-

Me: I didn't ‘dump’ you!

W: After you broke our engagement?

Me, nodding reluctantly.

W: Would you have gotten back together with me?

Me: Of course! I never wanted us to break up, really. I was persuaded that you needed the freedom to realize your dream - that if I loved you, I would give you the space to work insane hours and become a success. I thought that getting married was a mistake, it would be a distraction. I didn't know what we should be, but I knew marriage wasn't right, not then.

W: So these eight years we lost together, were all of my own doing.

Me: Well, I share the blame. I was so scared of how much you must have hated me, I couldn't bring myself to contact you, though I thought about it a lot in the early years. I composed and didn't send a lot of emails. If I had been braver, maybe this all would have been fixed sooner.

W: No, no you were right. I did hate you. I worked very hard to nurture bad feelings about you. They just didn't stick. As soon as I saw you again at the Lodge, they all melted away, much to my annoyance at the time.

Me: Really? They seemed very sturdy to me.

W: That took a lot of effort, trust me. I tried to convince myself I could be with someone like Louisa, but it was so empty. At Lyme, once it was so obvious that you were so superior to everyone else; I couldn't delude myself anymore after that. I’m sorry, Anne. For running away - I was a young idiot with hurt feelings. I should have talked to you, understood your reasons for doing what you did.

Me, after a pause: However sorry I am about the result, I’m not convinced I was wrong to be persuaded to break it off. We were very young. You did need space to get your business going and I needed to find my path in life. I don’t know that I would give the same advice, if asked, but Lacy was looking out for me, and she wasn't entirely wrong. As a foolish 19 year old, I think it was right to listen to the advice of someone more experienced.

W: You know, possibly the only reason I was so successful in that first business was because I lived and breathed it. I was so angry and hurt; I avoided everything by spending every moment on the start-up. My partner called me “The Machine”. If I had been with you, and happy and blissful, I would have called it quits every day at 5 and the venture would have failed. Now, I would trade in all the material success if it got me those eight years with you, but since all I can do is look back with hindsight, I have to admit Lacy perhaps had some points worth considering.

Me: That is a fine concession. You’re very humble!

We're trying not to spend too much time dwelling on regrets.  While we lost that time together, it did give us each a chance to get to the places we are now, which aren't bad places to be. And looking forward? Things look fabulous.