Tuesday, February 17, 2015


I wonder, if W and I had stayed together from the start, would we have made it?

I think so, I think we would have been happy together, grown together… but it would have been harder in some ways.

I’m doing my best to see this silver lining - that he and I get to rediscover each other, find out what has stayed the same and what has changed about each other. In essentials we are both what we were, but there is still plenty to discover.

He’s been telling me about his project ideas, some of which are amazing - and I’m not just saying that because I love him and think he’s awesome. The best part is that we can talk for hours about our ideas like we did eight years ago - we still connect. Eight years ago we were dreaming together, now it’s more exciting because he’s proven himself and has resources - everything is more real, more doable. He is tempered a bit, experience has taught him how much work it is to achieve the things he wants, and he is more calculated now about what he puts his energy into. It’s such fun to challenge him and debate things again; he sometimes gets annoyed when I point out issues he hasn't considered, like I’m raining on his parade, but he gets over it quickly.  And he's challenging me too, questioning my business plan, testing to see if I've done my research, dreaming up things that are bigger and bolder than anything I've dared to put down on paper.

I don't know how to describe what my days are like now. I have been pretty solitary for a long time. The default setting was to be alone - even in company I was alone, making small talk, not really engaging with people. Every now and then I would get to spend time with a friend, someone who understands me and with whom I could have a real conversation, but those were exceptions. Now, I spend all my free time with W and I feel....  seen.

One of you said once on twitter that someday I would find 'my people', the ones who appreciated my quirks and foibles and world view.  I wasn't so sure.  Now I believe.

Tonight W is cooking dinner for the Crofts and myself. W has the task of telling his sister what our status is, which is awkward only because there isn't really a word that properly captures it. We aren't engaged, 'dating' seems weak, 'lovers' makes me blush. I'm disappointed in English for failing me so completely on this front. I wonder if other languages have a word for this - something less cheesy than 'soul mate' but stronger than 'boyfriend'?

W took me to this awesome used bookstore that I hadn't known about. Love.

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