Monday, February 9, 2015

Worth Staying For

I guess, first of all I have to admit to being a bit dense. As many of you have pointed out in comments/emails, Will and I going to the concert together did have the appearance of a date - but I swear I wasn't thinking of it that way. I was thinking - I’m going to a concert with a friend because he has a spare ticket. But clearly Will thought it was a date. And I think Wentworth did too, when he saw us together.

Yeah.

Warning - this might be the longest blog post in history.

So Will and I got to the concert venue early. We were in the lobby and Will had stepped out to make a business call when I saw Wentworth come in alone. I happened to be near the entrance so I smiled and said hi immediately. He hesitated, but he came over. We talked about the weather, how the Crofts like Bath, the concert.... and then our conversation died and the silence grew so large I thought he would go away any second, but he didn't. He wanted to be near me? Then he started speaking about Lyme.

Wentworth: I've hardly seen you since our trip to Lyme. It must have been difficult for you - to be the only one to keep her head and be useful at such an awful moment. I hope you weren’t scarred by it all.

Me: No, no. It was nothing. I’m fine.

Wentworth: God, that was a terrible day! But, you know, it has resulted in some things that are not so terrible. When you sent Ben for the ambulance, you couldn’t have any idea that he would be one of those most concerned for her recovery!

Me: No kidding. I do hope they're good for each other - they're both good people, so I am optimistic.

Wentworth: Yes, they are both good people, though I think that’s all they have in common. But I do wish them to be happy together too. They are lucky to have the support of all those around them - the Musgroves have welcomed Ben warmly, despite not knowing him, and Harvey is being very good about it too. It is always easier when those around the couple are happy about the relationship-

He stopped here, maybe realizing what he was referring to, and to whom he was saying it. I sure felt the reference and blushed deeply while staring very intensely at the lobby carpet.

Wentworth: I do think they’re very different, though. Louisa is sweet, and she’s not stupid, but Ben is something more, very clever and well-read. I am surprised by Ben. His fiancĂ©e was an amazing woman - so intelligent and caring. A man doesn't recover from a love like that, to being connected to someone so good. He shouldn't.

He stopped there - maybe from the consciousness that his friend had in fact apparently recovered from his previous love.

 I was struck dumb by the casual way he spoke of Louisa and the agitated voice he used to talk about not ever recovering from a previous love. The noise and crowd of the lobby, which had filled up around us, was nothing - I heard every word, every change in timbre of his voice. I had so many things I wanted to say in response, but he had caught me so off-guard, I was floundering for anything to say to keep the subject open in some way.

Me, lamely: Did you end up staying in Lyme for very long?

Wentworth: No, not very. I stayed until it was clear she would be okay. I was too much to blame for what happened to leave before knowing that. I spent a lot of time walking around Lyme while we waited.

Me: It is a beautiful place. I’d love to see it again.

Wentworth, studying me: Really? I thought the accident would have ruined it for you.

Me: Well, the end of the trip wasn't great, but other than that part, we had a lot of fun. I haven’t traveled much, so every new place is interesting to me. Lyme is lovely and I have happy memories of it.

Will returned at that moment with a group of friends he had run into and he pulled me over to introduce me, barely giving me time to smile at Wentworth before losing him in the crowded room. I had learned more about his feelings in those ten minutes than I had during all my time at the Lodge. He did not love Louisa, and never had; it had been nothing but flirtation. During the introductions to Will's friends I was in a good mood - pitying everyone who was not as happy as I was at that moment - it was the first real-ish conversation I'd had with Wentworth in 8 years. There was hope that he didn't hate me. When the introductions were done and I was able to step back to find Wentworth again, he was gone. I caught a glimpse of him going into the concert hall and felt a moment of disappointment, but I figured we would meet again before the end of the night.

Will and I went in to take our seats and as far as I can remember I floated there. I was going over my conversation with Wentworth, remembering every look, every expression. Remembering his apparent eagerness to convey that he had no feelings for Louisa, his surprise at Ben for getting over his first love. I interpreted all this to mean his resentment of me was perhaps giving way to more tender feelings. Perhaps it was the hot venue, or the wine, or the emotionally closeted state I've been in for so many weeks, but I was overflowing with happiness at the thought that maybe Wentworth could be part of my life again, in some way. Not yet, perhaps, but the intensity of his looks and his changed behaviour towards me let me think that it was at least possible, and I was ready to encourage it however I could.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t look for him on the way to our seats and couldn’t see him from where we were sitting, so I had to content myself with enjoying the show and planning what I might say when I was able to talk to him again. The opening act was a band from Montreal and whenever they sang in French, Will would lean over and insist on a translation. I did my best to summarize the gist of the songs, which I had to shout into his ear.

As the first act finished there was a break while the next band set up. I was keen to get back to the lobby but Will insisted we wait for the mob to clear out of the aisle first, so we stayed in our seats.

Will, leaning towards me: You know, before we even met in Lyme, I knew of you by reputation.

Me: I guess you would - from Dad and Elizabeth years ago?

Will: No, I heard you described by those who know you very well - not your family. Years ago your beauty and talents were all described to me in great detail, and quite accurately, I now find out.

Me: Who? I can’t think of who you mean.

Will, very delighted in my puzzlement: No, no, I won’t tell. Maybe later. But for now I want to enjoy your confusion. I heard the name Anne Elliot ages ago and I was always curious to know if its owner lived up to the reputation. I am pleased to find it does.

This is where Will reached over and stroked my hair and said something about how happy I made him by finally going out with him. Which is where I came to the realization that you all came to yesterday - that our concert date was… a date.

I was frozen in place as Will touched me. I kid you not - the man is caressing my hair and leaning towards me and I’m so surprised, I just sit there.

Someone bumped my seat from behind, which woke me up. I’m sure I turned bright red. I got up abruptly, startling Will (I think he was prepping for the next move which was supposed to happen sitting down). I told him I had to use the washroom and I practically ran for the aisle. I looked towards the lobby doors in time to see Wentworth turn and walk away. I went into the lobby and, since I couldn't find Wentworth, I stood in line to get a drink, hoping Wentworth would come over. I couldn’t see him, but anyone wanting to find me could do it easily since the line was in the middle of everything. He didn't come. I did laps of the crowded lobby, swallowing my drink and searching for him.

Eventually people started to go back to their seats and I thought the less crowded room would make it easier to find each other, and scanning the room I saw him and started towards him. He saw me and, after a hesitation, walked towards me and stiffly asked me if I was enjoying the concert. His whole demeanor had changed back to the icy politeness of the Lodge. I talked with enthusiasm about the next band, which I knew he loved, and his icy attitude melted a bit, then a bit more. Things seemed better. Until Will showed up. He came up behind me and put his arm around me!! Said he was worried about me and was I okay. Then he stuck a hand out at Wentworth and introduced himself. I saw Wentworth stiffen as they shook hands.

Will suggested we get to our seats before they started the show.

Me, to Wentworth: we could forget our seats and go to the front, it’s always better there, right?

Wentworth: No, I can’t stay, I have to get home.

Me, pathetically: Isn't the band worth staying for?

Wentworth: There’s nothing worth staying for.

And he turned and left.

I could kill Will - of all the times to put a move on me. Who makes a move at a concert? And the way he put his arm around me so possessively when he saw me talking to Wentworth, ugh.

At the time I was crushed - things had gone so well and then so terribly. But I’ve thought about it, and - tell me if I’m crazy - but the only explanation I can think of is…. that Wentworth was jealous of Will. A week ago I wouldn’t have had such a thought, but since he’s been in Bath…. He’s been different. Or am I imagining it? I mean - if he saw Will trying to kiss me, that could be what got his back up again, right? If he is jealous - how to I get him over it? How do I tell him that Will is nothing to me? I don’t even have any way to contact him. Do I stalk him online? Send him a friend request on Facebook? Ask Louisa for his number?

Or am I imaging all of this and making a fool of myself for hoping for something that will never and can never happen?

5 comments :

  1. Gaaah!! I can't believe the gall of Will! If you want to go on a date, you ask the person to go on a date! Not just randosuggestingon of free tickets.

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    1. or as a bribe of free tickets...

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    2. Yes, thank you. I will always assume we're just hanging out as friends unless someone says, in advance, that it is something different. Glad I'm not alone in that!!

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  2. Anne, I'm pretty sure you need to talk with Wentworth, or something, to clear up the fact that there's nothing between you and Will. Do you think you'll see him again anytime soon?

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    1. You're right, I know. I don't know when I'll see Wentworth again. I don't have his number, don't know where the Crofts are staying (assuming he's staying with them while in Bath)....

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