Grumpy

I’m grumpy today. I've been waiting for news from the Lodge - wondering how Louisa is doing, and everyone else. Mary is terrible at emailing - it’s been weeks since I heard anything! How hard is it to sit down and dash off an email - she could do it while being ‘ill’ on the couch.  Charles was updating me when the accident first happened, but he views the incident as all over with so he stopped.

I should probably email Louisa or Rietta directly, but I'm a bit embarrassed to reveal that Mary isn't keeping me up to date. I know they already think rather poorly of Mary, I don't want to add to that!

UPDATE
Okay, apparently if you complain about something on the internet, things will happen. I got an email from Mary almost as soon as I had pushed ‘publish’. It was the usual stuff, mostly complaints about her health, complaints about missing all the fun in Bath, and the one piece of real news that Lousia is due back at the Lodge today. That sounds good! I hope she'll be okay.

Mary also asked if I had emailed Ben and invited him to visit in Bath yet. She was adamant that he was pining for an invitation when she last saw him. I told her it would be very nice to see Ben again, and she's welcome to pass that along next time she meets him. I would like to see Ben again, see if he's been reading any of the less gloomy books I suggested.  But I also know to be a bit suspicious of Mary's recounting of things, so I won't be taking any action like she suggests.

Daunted

First of all, I will be sure to convey to Lacy your comments about her letter. She does have fabulous handwriting, doesn't she? Jealous.

Jane sat down with me today and went over the gist of their program financials. Sobering. My estimates weren't that far off, but they were low.  We had a great discussion about the tension between starting a bare bones program and struggling versus trying to drum up enough funding to start properly and hit the ground with resources. They started out very bare bones and it was iffy for several years which nearly wore Jane and Emily out (and there's two of them). She's encouraging me to secure a fairly high minimum amount of funding before I launch, especially as I'm looking to operate in a more expensive city. It's advice I'm taking seriously.

Anyway, these are all details that are probably not that interesting to you, but it's where my head is at these days. It's a weird head space, actually. I live with Dad and Elizabeth who, despite all they have, are often fixated on what they don't have - the 'sacrifices' they make.  Elizabeth wanted to get a new, bigger table for the dining room to allow for bigger dinner parties, and she made a point of showing me the table she had fallen in love with ($12,000) and telling me she wasn't going to buy it, given our 'situation'.  On the one hand, it's progress that she is voluntarily realizing she shouldn't be bleeding money we don't have - yay, but on the other hand - does anyone ever need to spend $12,000 on a table?

It's going to be a real struggle to raise funding to start my program, I know this.  And this for a program that tries to address a basic aspect of education for youth in our city - a wealthy city in a wealthy country. And I live with people who think $12,000 for a table, and $5000 for a living room chair are reasonable ways to spend money.

I'm looking forward to getting my own, modest, place again (a long way off still). I live between two worlds right now and it's jarring.  I spend my afternoon with kids who generally come from poor families who get excited about the fun, book-filled space that Jane and Emily have created because they don't have any books at home.  Then I come home to this lavish townhouse with Dad and Elizabeth or I go to social events full of wealthy people who spend more on flowers to decorate their hallways than some people make in a year.  

I guess I'm struggling to find my place in this messed up world, like everyone else.

From Lacy

At some point last month I told Lacy I was blogging. It felt weird to keep the existence of this rather significant part of my life a secret from her. I appreciate all the support you all give me - the comments and questions and distractions on twitter when I desperately need distracting. This blog and all of  you have become important to me.

Lacy was keen to read the blog but I told her it was anonymous and I couldn't bear knowing that someone I knew in real life was reading it – I don’t want to have to censor myself here. Lacy is respecting that, so anonymity is preserved.

She did make me promise to post something from her. So, here you go, a message from Lacy to you all -  unedited, except for blacking out her name:

Blushing

Lacy and I met for tea today at my favourite cafe and I found out that she had been at Ms. Dalrymple's dinner the other night, along with Will. She reported that she and Will talked about me a great deal.

Lacy: Will was sad to miss you at the dinner on Friday but was delighted by the fact that you snubbed Ms. Dalrymple to visit a sick friend. He admired your compassion and agreed with me that you are the finest of women-

Me: Lacy! You did not say that!

Lacy: Sure I did. And he said much more, agreeing that you were a rare example of someone with status, morals, manners, and wit.

Me: This is too much. Please tell me you’re joking.

Lacy: I’m afraid you must suffer under the knowledge that Will and I agree that you are an excellent person.

I blushed at this, as I always do whenever someone makes a fuss over me, but I have to admit hearing such high opinions of me created all the warm fuzzy feelings that I’m sure Lacy intended to create.

Lacy: I am no match-maker, as you know, but I will point out that if Will should ask you out at some point, it would seem to be a very good match - and I would wager a happy one.

Me, laughing at her seriousness: Will is very nice and in many ways I think highly of him, but we would not do well together.

Lacy, ignoring me: I admit to also liking the idea of seeing you with someone of means. You’re so like your mother and I know you could do good things, as she did, in a position that provided you with the opportunity.

Lacy clearly had Will and I married to each other in her imagination, and probably living in my family home while Dad stayed in Bath! For a moment, while she was speaking, I was attracted to the idea. (I should take care to note that Will and I are not related by blood even though we share a surname). Picturing myself back home and finding ways to use Will’s family wealth to do good in the world… and I wouldn't even have to argue about keeping my name.

But, the happy picture faded away quickly.

My heart is - well, forget my heart - Will doesn't quite pass my judgment. I've known the guy for a month and don’t feel like I really know him at all, not really. He is more sensible than many people here, and he’s charming and good to talk to, and seems to have a good sense of right… but I distrust this image of him. References he’s made to the past make it clear he wasn't always as responsible and upstanding as he is now. Perhaps he has changed for the better, or perhaps this is a phase. He is not an open person - I see only what he wants me to see - he is always very measured and controlled in all his reactions, where are the unplanned bursts of feeling? I find it hard to trust in the sincerity of people who never slip up and reveal their true feelings. While it probably sounds weird, I think he is suspiciously charming. Everyone finds him charming - my Dad and Elizabeth, and everyone else…. How is it possible that so many very different people can all be pleased by him? He is able to bend and shape himself to be pleasing to everyone, which makes me think I don’t see the real him anymore than anyone else does. He and I have spoken rather openly about Clara’s presence in the house and the potential badness of Dad’s connection with her - he sees as plainly as I do what she is up to and he views her with contempt, yet she finds him as pleasing as everyone else.

No. Will is fun to be around, but something about him doesn't sit right with me.  Maybe with time I'll change my mind though. Lacy is certainly advocating hard for him!

Battle

I remember in my Q&A telling you all that I have to choose my battles with my family about social engagements. Well, last night was an example. I've been visiting my friend Alicia lately but haven’t mentioned anything about it to Dad or Elizabeth, since I know they wouldn't be interested. Today I had to mention it because Dad and Elizabeth had, without consulting me, rsvp’ed for me to a dinner invitation from Ms. Dalrymple for tonight. I was not sad to miss the Dalrymple party, but had to explain why I couldn't go. I told Dad I was expected at my old school friend’s place. They were annoyed and asked me who this friend was and upon finding out it was a recently divorced, ill, friend named Alicia Smith, Dad released a diatribe:

Dad, red in the face: Mrs. Smith? And who was she married to - one of the ten thousand Mr. Smiths of the world? You would rather spend your evening with a sickly Mrs. Smith than your own relations? Than with Ms. Dalrymple? Anne! Everything that others shun - low company, bad neighbourhoods, all these things seem to attract you.

They did their best to put off my visit to Alicia to save them the embarrassment of me reneging on an invitation. They tried employing Lacy’s assumed disapproval, but I was able to counter them there because Lacy knows all about my resumed friendship with Alicia and has even dropped me off at Alicia’s apartment building.

Dad: how shocked they must have been, in that neighbourhood, to see Lacy’s Mercedes pull up! Imagine that - a poor, Mrs. Smith, the commonest family name in the country, is preferred by Anne Elliot to her own family connections who have roots in the nobility of England! I’ll wager this Mrs. Smith is busy calculating how she can exploit her lucky connection with you to advance her position in society. Divorcees are always desperate and calculating.

At this point in Dad’s tirade, Clara, who had been in the room for everything so far, thought it best to leave. I was strongly tempted to make a cheeky remark, but managed to hold my tongue and leave it to Dad to realize that Mrs. Smith was not the only young divorcee/widow with a common name and poor finances who is graced with the friendship of our family.

I held firm and we all kept our respective appointments, quite disgusted with one another. Welcome to my world.

Building

There’s this little girl I’m volunteering with at the reading program. She’s seven. Painfully shy. Didn't speak above a whisper the first two times we met. But today - today I found the key to her, the thing she loves so much that she forgets she’s shy when you talk about it: her cat Spangle. I found a book about cats and we sat down to read it and she did so well! I checked out the book for her so she could take it home and when her mom picked her up, I suggested they read it aloud to the cat, if the cat would cooperate. We’ll see how that goes.

It was a small moment, hardly of global importance. Just a little girl speaking with confidence and enthusiasm, but it was wonderful. There’s so much in the world that works to tear us all down, it feels so good to be part of something that helps build a person up.

On the reading front, in a totally different way.... I've been thinking a lot about this Ron Lit video on George Eliot.  This ending thought in particular: "whether in seeing only the surface, you miss out on stuff, or whether in looking for a depth that you can never be certain is there you just represent your own thoughts and you don't get any closer to the truth of the matter."

Party

Last night I went to a party. Elizabeth made me. She actually walked into my bedroom carrying a dress for me and informed me that I had to go with her. It went like this:

Beth: Anne, don’t argue, please. You have to go with me. Will was supposed to be my date but he’s been delayed by business stuff and can’t make it until later. You can wear my Versace dress - no one in Bath has seen it yet. It will look great on you! Can you be ready in two hours?

Me: Uh. What party is this?

Beth - rolling eyes: The Lee party, I've been talking about it all week. Very exclusive invite list. At the [fancy location redacted]. Catered by the best chef in Canada? Ringing any bells?

Me: Yes, right. And Will bailed?

Beth: He didn't ‘bail’, he’s running late.

Me: He told you two hours in advance that he’ll be late?

Beth: Yes, he’s very considerate. You’ll come, right? Kay is coming to do my hair now, I can send her in to try and do something quick with yours when she’s finished mine.

Me: Uh, sure.

Beth - handing me the hanger with the dress on it: If you damage this dress, I will disown you.

(This is not me but it is the dress.)

The dress was pretty amazing - slinky and form fitting while still being classy. I decided to go for it, own the look, have a night out where I play the part of confident socialite. See what life is like as Elizabeth. I can work the social scene when I have to, I have skills. I let Elizabeth’s stylist do something pretty with my hair and makeup. When I walked downstairs, Elizabeth smiled with approval.

Early on in the night I think Elizabeth was regretting loaning me the dress instead of wearing it herself. It was an amazing dress and I got a lot of attention. It was mostly superficial attention - the kind Elizabeth thrives on and I grow weary of after about an hour. I flirted with a few guys, had one serious, interesting conversation, ate amazing food, and only hid in the lobby pretending to read important text messages once.

In the cab on the way back, a tipsy Elizabeth got sincere with me for a minute and thanked me for going. Will had shown up to the party quite late and had been kept busy by others; Beth and I didn't see much of him during the evening. Beth doesn't really need a date for a party, she’s more than fine on her own, but if she rsvps with a +1, she would be mortified to show up alone. It’s a strange way to help your sister, but, I’m glad I could be there for her.