The Joy of Free Time

Today was marginally better. I made myself sit at the piano for 45 minutes - I set a timer and everything; treated myself like a five year old. Wasn’t a great practice, but better than nothing. I used to have a colleague who called it ‘butt in chair time’ - where she knew she just had to sit down already and stop futzing about with distractions. I’m forcing myself to do butt-in-chair time.

You know when you’re busy - working lots - and you think of all the things you would do if you had free time? You’d do yoga every morning and stay on top of your email, read a book a week, finish that novel you've been meaning to write, learn how to tango, redecorate your living room, knit sweaters for your friend’s babies, etc.. So, it’s a bit of a disappointment to find that although I have this project I’m passionate about, I still find it hard to just sit down and make progress. My procrastination levels have never been this high. I now have a hard time doing anything. It’s frustrating, and of my own doing. How do I snap myself out of it? Snap myself into being productive again?

I had a thought today to ask Dad for advice so I went down to the kitchen this morning when I know he usually makes his breakfast smoothies. Here is what advice looks like in my family:

Me: Morning Dad

Dad: Good morning. You look like you need some antioxidants; those crows feet won’t go away if you don’t take some action, Dear. I’ll make you a smoothie.

Me: A smoothie would be great, Dad.

Dad: Have you been using that anti-wrinkle cream I got you for your birthday? It should be helping. Have you seen how smooth Elizabeth’s face is? She uses it twice a day.

Me: Dad, can I ask for some advice?

Dad [dropping fruit into a juicer and replying when the noise dies down]: Sure.

Me: What do you do on those days where you get up but just can’t get going, can’t have a productive day?

Dad [pouring juice into a blender and thinking deeply while he blends]: I think I know what you mean. I've had days like that, they’re tough.

Me: Yeah?

Dad [pouring us both smoothies]: Yes. If I get less than eight hours of sleep, I look terrible. And how is one supposed to face the world, go into the office, like that? With circles under the eyes, sagging skin. It’s a dilemma. I find that cucumber slices on the eyes for thirty minutes does wonders. It’s not perfect, but it gets the puffiness down enough that you can be almost presentable. Easier for you really - with the right concealer, women can get away with so much more.

So that was…. That.

On the one hand, having all kinds of free time seems like a good thing - a lengthy vacation or sabbatical, but in reality it’s kind of hard in its own way. I know - you’re miming the world’s smallest violin playing the world’s smallest sad song for me. But it is hard to go from working crazy hours to having countless hours stretched out in front of you that you have to fill up on your own. Days can seem long and empty and motivation can be elusive. Does anything need to be done today? No, there’s always tomorrow. It’s also hard to enjoy this time without guilt. I should be grabbing any paying job I can, not pursuing some far-fetched dream, right?

I feel like I’m doing the right thing, even if it seems crazy to everyone else. But some days it’s hard to stick to it. I look at the job postings online and wonder if I should be trying to get my career back on track. Or applying to grad school as a proper first step to realizing the non-profit dream. Lacy pointed out the other day that if I attempt to start the non-profit now and fail, I won’t get a second chance.

No pressure.