Truth

I've thought it over and decided that I’m not mad at Will.

He’s a decent guy and we have good times together, it was a very natural time for him to make a move, if he was so inclined. And I’m flattered that he wanted to go there with me. I wonder what I would do if there wasn't a Wentworth in the picture? I honestly don’t know. Poor Will, though, he never had a chance.

I promised full honesty in this blog, and here it is: I still love Wentworth. Of course I do. I probably never stopped, I just went into stasis. Seeing him again after all these years - I was curious to know if he had changed or if I had changed so much that we no longer connected. And we both have changed but there is still something there, I think. He is better - more considered, more interested in listening to others. I am… more certain in myself and my abilities. Does that make sense?

And I owe Will this other thanks - for showing me that Wentworth must still care something for me, why else would he be so bent out of shape by seeing Will’s interest in me? And I guess I should thank Will for making me realize how fully Wentworth still has my heart - I can’t even contemplate being with someone else if there is a possibility I might have another chance with Wentworth.

Now it's a question of what do I do about it?

All the street graffiti I see lately is very on point.

Worth Staying For

I guess, first of all I have to admit to being a bit dense. As many of you have pointed out in comments/emails, Will and I going to the concert together did have the appearance of a date - but I swear I wasn't thinking of it that way. I was thinking - I’m going to a concert with a friend because he has a spare ticket. But clearly Will thought it was a date. And I think Wentworth did too, when he saw us together.

Yeah.

Warning - this might be the longest blog post in history.

So Will and I got to the concert venue early. We were in the lobby and Will had stepped out to make a business call when I saw Wentworth come in alone. I happened to be near the entrance so I smiled and said hi immediately. He hesitated, but he came over. We talked about the weather, how the Crofts like Bath, the concert.... and then our conversation died and the silence grew so large I thought he would go away any second, but he didn't. He wanted to be near me? Then he started speaking about Lyme.

Wentworth: I've hardly seen you since our trip to Lyme. It must have been difficult for you - to be the only one to keep her head and be useful at such an awful moment. I hope you weren’t scarred by it all.

Me: No, no. It was nothing. I’m fine.

Wentworth: God, that was a terrible day! But, you know, it has resulted in some things that are not so terrible. When you sent Ben for the ambulance, you couldn’t have any idea that he would be one of those most concerned for her recovery!

Me: No kidding. I do hope they're good for each other - they're both good people, so I am optimistic.

Wentworth: Yes, they are both good people, though I think that’s all they have in common. But I do wish them to be happy together too. They are lucky to have the support of all those around them - the Musgroves have welcomed Ben warmly, despite not knowing him, and Harvey is being very good about it too. It is always easier when those around the couple are happy about the relationship-

He stopped here, maybe realizing what he was referring to, and to whom he was saying it. I sure felt the reference and blushed deeply while staring very intensely at the lobby carpet.

Wentworth: I do think they’re very different, though. Louisa is sweet, and she’s not stupid, but Ben is something more, very clever and well-read. I am surprised by Ben. His fiancée was an amazing woman - so intelligent and caring. A man doesn't recover from a love like that, to being connected to someone so good. He shouldn't.

He stopped there - maybe from the consciousness that his friend had in fact apparently recovered from his previous love.

 I was struck dumb by the casual way he spoke of Louisa and the agitated voice he used to talk about not ever recovering from a previous love. The noise and crowd of the lobby, which had filled up around us, was nothing - I heard every word, every change in timbre of his voice. I had so many things I wanted to say in response, but he had caught me so off-guard, I was floundering for anything to say to keep the subject open in some way.

Me, lamely: Did you end up staying in Lyme for very long?

Wentworth: No, not very. I stayed until it was clear she would be okay. I was too much to blame for what happened to leave before knowing that. I spent a lot of time walking around Lyme while we waited.

Me: It is a beautiful place. I’d love to see it again.

Wentworth, studying me: Really? I thought the accident would have ruined it for you.

Me: Well, the end of the trip wasn't great, but other than that part, we had a lot of fun. I haven’t traveled much, so every new place is interesting to me. Lyme is lovely and I have happy memories of it.

Will returned at that moment with a group of friends he had run into and he pulled me over to introduce me, barely giving me time to smile at Wentworth before losing him in the crowded room. I had learned more about his feelings in those ten minutes than I had during all my time at the Lodge. He did not love Louisa, and never had; it had been nothing but flirtation. During the introductions to Will's friends I was in a good mood - pitying everyone who was not as happy as I was at that moment - it was the first real-ish conversation I'd had with Wentworth in 8 years. There was hope that he didn't hate me. When the introductions were done and I was able to step back to find Wentworth again, he was gone. I caught a glimpse of him going into the concert hall and felt a moment of disappointment, but I figured we would meet again before the end of the night.

Will and I went in to take our seats and as far as I can remember I floated there. I was going over my conversation with Wentworth, remembering every look, every expression. Remembering his apparent eagerness to convey that he had no feelings for Louisa, his surprise at Ben for getting over his first love. I interpreted all this to mean his resentment of me was perhaps giving way to more tender feelings. Perhaps it was the hot venue, or the wine, or the emotionally closeted state I've been in for so many weeks, but I was overflowing with happiness at the thought that maybe Wentworth could be part of my life again, in some way. Not yet, perhaps, but the intensity of his looks and his changed behaviour towards me let me think that it was at least possible, and I was ready to encourage it however I could.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t look for him on the way to our seats and couldn’t see him from where we were sitting, so I had to content myself with enjoying the show and planning what I might say when I was able to talk to him again. The opening act was a band from Montreal and whenever they sang in French, Will would lean over and insist on a translation. I did my best to summarize the gist of the songs, which I had to shout into his ear.

As the first act finished there was a break while the next band set up. I was keen to get back to the lobby but Will insisted we wait for the mob to clear out of the aisle first, so we stayed in our seats.

Will, leaning towards me: You know, before we even met in Lyme, I knew of you by reputation.

Me: I guess you would - from Dad and Elizabeth years ago?

Will: No, I heard you described by those who know you very well - not your family. Years ago your beauty and talents were all described to me in great detail, and quite accurately, I now find out.

Me: Who? I can’t think of who you mean.

Will, very delighted in my puzzlement: No, no, I won’t tell. Maybe later. But for now I want to enjoy your confusion. I heard the name Anne Elliot ages ago and I was always curious to know if its owner lived up to the reputation. I am pleased to find it does.

This is where Will reached over and stroked my hair and said something about how happy I made him by finally going out with him. Which is where I came to the realization that you all came to yesterday - that our concert date was… a date.

I was frozen in place as Will touched me. I kid you not - the man is caressing my hair and leaning towards me and I’m so surprised, I just sit there.

Someone bumped my seat from behind, which woke me up. I’m sure I turned bright red. I got up abruptly, startling Will (I think he was prepping for the next move which was supposed to happen sitting down). I told him I had to use the washroom and I practically ran for the aisle. I looked towards the lobby doors in time to see Wentworth turn and walk away. I went into the lobby and, since I couldn't find Wentworth, I stood in line to get a drink, hoping Wentworth would come over. I couldn’t see him, but anyone wanting to find me could do it easily since the line was in the middle of everything. He didn't come. I did laps of the crowded lobby, swallowing my drink and searching for him.

Eventually people started to go back to their seats and I thought the less crowded room would make it easier to find each other, and scanning the room I saw him and started towards him. He saw me and, after a hesitation, walked towards me and stiffly asked me if I was enjoying the concert. His whole demeanor had changed back to the icy politeness of the Lodge. I talked with enthusiasm about the next band, which I knew he loved, and his icy attitude melted a bit, then a bit more. Things seemed better. Until Will showed up. He came up behind me and put his arm around me!! Said he was worried about me and was I okay. Then he stuck a hand out at Wentworth and introduced himself. I saw Wentworth stiffen as they shook hands.

Will suggested we get to our seats before they started the show.

Me, to Wentworth: we could forget our seats and go to the front, it’s always better there, right?

Wentworth: No, I can’t stay, I have to get home.

Me, pathetically: Isn't the band worth staying for?

Wentworth: There’s nothing worth staying for.

And he turned and left.

I could kill Will - of all the times to put a move on me. Who makes a move at a concert? And the way he put his arm around me so possessively when he saw me talking to Wentworth, ugh.

At the time I was crushed - things had gone so well and then so terribly. But I’ve thought about it, and - tell me if I’m crazy - but the only explanation I can think of is…. that Wentworth was jealous of Will. A week ago I wouldn’t have had such a thought, but since he’s been in Bath…. He’s been different. Or am I imagining it? I mean - if he saw Will trying to kiss me, that could be what got his back up again, right? If he is jealous - how to I get him over it? How do I tell him that Will is nothing to me? I don’t even have any way to contact him. Do I stalk him online? Send him a friend request on Facebook? Ask Louisa for his number?

Or am I imaging all of this and making a fool of myself for hoping for something that will never and can never happen?

Short Update

Despite the fact that I am unable to keep myself from looking for Wentworth whenever I am out, I haven’t seen him since our encounter in the coffee shop other than maybe spotting him in the distance once while out shopping with Lacy.

 There is a charity fundraiser concert tonight that I think he might go to - it’s a band I know he used to love. I tried to talk Elizabeth into going with me, but it’s not her thing. Will happened to be around when I mentioned it though, and he said he had tickets already and his friend had backed out on him. So Will and I are going to grab dinner and then go to the concert.

On the volunteer front - I’m still going to the centre nearly every day. I love it. It’s hard work, but it’s good to be busy, good to be doing something good. I've got tons of ideas I want to share with Emily and Jane and so much to learn from them about their successes and challenges.

In the end it turns out to not be a bad thing that I ended up in Bath.

Agitated

I was out for coffee today with Will, Beth, and Clara when it started to rain quite hard. Beth insisted on a cab to get home without getting wet. Due to complicated maneuvering, we ended up with a plan for Beth and Clara to catch a ride with Ms. Darlymple who was also around. I would walk home with Will; much to my relief (I prefer to avoid Ms. Dalrymple).

This had just been decided when I looked out the window and saw Wentworth walking down the sidewalk. The surprise of seeing him made me lose track of what was going on at my table, as I watched him cross the street. I admit to being flustered just at the sight of him and hating myself for it. Next thing you know I’ll be fainting in the street. When I did return my attention to our table, I saw that Will had popped next door to get something while we waited for Ms. Dalrymple’s car to be brought around.

I had a sudden urge to go to the door and see how hard it was raining. You’re probably thinking I could see that from the window, but I wanted to see it from the door, sue me. I got up to do that and almost walked right into Wentworth and the group of people he was with as they walked into the cafe. He seemed more confused and surprised at the sight of me than I have ever seen him - for once I seemed to have my feelings under control more than he did! Of course, this is only because I was able to have my mini-freak out at the table a few minutes earlier. Still, on seeing him in front of me, a flurry of emotions filled me up; agitation, pain, pleasure - something between delight and misery. Is that over-dramatic? Maybe, but it’s the best way I can explain it.

He said something ordinary to me - it wasn't cold as much as embarrassed, then turned to speak with his friends, who went to get a table at the back of the cafe. When they were settled, he turned back to me and made polite conversation.

The conversation wasn't remarkable, but he was. At the Lodge we had gotten used to being together and had perfected the art of speaking to each other of nothing with apparent indifference… but he couldn't do it now. Something had changed. He looked good, not ill or as though he had been pining after the loss of Louisa. In fact, he even spoke of the Lodge and Louisa without batting an eye. But this Wentworth was not comfortable and wasn't able to fake being comfortable.

Someone entered the shop to say that Ms. Dalrympe's car had arrived for Miss. Elliot. Elizabeth and Clara made their way to the door.

Wentworth: Sorry, I’m keeping you from your ride.

Me: Oh, no, I’m not going with them. The car only has space for two and I like to walk.

Wentworth, confused: But it’s raining.

Me: Not very hard. I don’t mind.

Wentworth, after a pause: Even though I've just arrived, I've equipped myself for the climate. Use my umbrella, if you’re determined to walk. Though I wish you would let me call you a cab.

Me: No, really, it will stop raining in a minute. I'm waiting for a friend who's going to walk with me.

I had just said these words when Will showed up. Based on his expression, it seemed that Wentworth remembered Will from Lyme.

Will was all apologies for keeping me waiting and he nodded to Wentworth as he took my arm and hurried me out as the rain had stopped and he wasn't sure how long for.

 I only had time to give Wentworth a quick apologetic smile over my shoulder as I left with Will.

Normally I quite enjoy Will’s conversation, but the only way he could have made me happy at that moment was to be silent and leave me with my thoughts as we walked. I was trying to puzzle out Wentworth. Was he suffering from disappointment from the end of his relationship with Louisa? I had to know. I knew I should stay out of it, shouldn't think of it. I should be reasonable and realize it had nothing to do with me. The status of Wentworth's heart is not my concern anymore. But I admit that I am not reasonable yet. I need to know. I need to know how long he plans to be in town - do I have to ready myself for the possibility that he may bump into my family? That is a horrifying thought. Does this post make any sense?  I haven't been able to have a coherent thought all afternoon.

Progress

Today was awesome.  Emily and Jane had me check in with the teachers of some of the kids in their program. This is something they do regularly to track progress and decide if the kids need more time in the program or if they can graduate and create space for someone else in need.

I spoke with five teachers and they all said they saw noticeable improvement with the kids in the classroom. Not just that they were reading better, but that some of the kids that had been disruptive previously were now more studious. They were all more engaged in learning. It was amazing to hear. These are teachers struggling with overly large class sizes who are unable to devote extra time to the kids that need it, and hearing their relief at the fact that the kids are getting help - they were super uplifting conversations and I'd love to have more of them.

Unexpected

The Crofts are in Bath!

I was walking down to the waterfront walkway when I bumped into Mr. Croft himself! He was standing outside an art gallery window frowning at the painting on display. He was so absorbed in his study of it that I had to touch his arm to get his attention.

Mr. Croft: Well hello, Anne!  So nice to bump into you. I've been staring at this painting as I always do when I walk by this gallery.  Did you ever see anything like it?  I'm trying to decide what it is a painting of. Today I think maybe it's a boat, a very poorly designed boat. What do you say?

I was very curious to know if he had heard any news of Louisa and Ben. We walked together for some time while he told me why they were in Bath, how pleasant he finds it here since he has many friends in the area, how he and Mrs. Croft go for long walks together every day. Apparently they are too used to constant travel to be able to stay at their new home for long without setting off for someplace or other. Eventually, he hit on the subject I was trying to figure out a way to ask about:

Croft: You know, we’ve had very strange news from Wentworth; you’ll be surprised to hear! That young woman that Wentworth was seeing - I forget her name, one of the Musgroves, the very young one…”

Me: Lousia

Croft: Yes, Louisa, thank you. I’m terrible with women’s first names. Anyway, it seemed pretty clear that Wentworth liked the girl and they seemed to be getting on well by all reports. Wentworth certainly spent a lot of time up at that Lodge, as you know. We've just found out that Louisa is now dating Wentworth’s friend Mr. Wick instead! What do you think of that? The accident in Lyme seemed to throw everything into confusion. I guess Wentworth’s going away didn't help his case; he quite left the door ajar there and in waltzed Ben to take the prize!

Me: I hope there isn't anything in Wentworth’s tone that makes you think he feels betrayed by his friend? He and Ben seemed very close.

Croft: No! Sophy said Wentworth was calm as creme in relaying the news. No complaint at all. Wentworth is too sensible to be fussed by this - if the girl likes someone else better - she should have him. From Wentworth’s behaviour, you would think he never thought of the girl for himself, he said he thinks they will be happy together!

Me: That is good to hear.

Croft: Well, now Wentworth will have to start over again with a new girl! I wonder if we should get him to join us while we are here. There is no sense in him going to the Lodge again, I understand all the women there to be spoken for. I think I’ll talk to Sophy about getting him here for a visit.

So there you have it, Mary's gossip confirmed!

More news!

Two posts in one day - it’s that kind of day!

Mary called tonight! That alone is surprising and worthy of a blog post - Mary never calls me. She had news she had to share, and I’m glad she did because it is very surprising!

Lousia returned to the lodge and Mary went up to visit and discovered that Ben Wick, who was staying with the Harvilles, is with her. They struck up a romance while she was recovering in Lyme and are quite in love!  Those are Mary's words, so take them with a grain of salt, but for all her potential exaggeration, it's clear Ben and Louisa are dating.

Ben was apparently nervous about visiting, but the Musgroves have welcomed him warmly, of course. The fact that having Ben nearby makes Louisa content and happy guarantees him a warm reception from the Musgroves. Their priority is the happiness of their kids.

Mary said she asked Sara Harville how her husband is feeling about this new affection on Ben’s part, and apparently Harvey was more surprised than anyone - thinking that Ben was still very distraught over his sister’s (Ben’s fiancé's) death. But everyone loves Louisa and no one can blame Ben for seizing happiness and light when the opportunity arose.

I quote Mary:
"Charles wonders what Wentworth will say, but I never thought he was interested in Louisa, I never saw anything special in his behaviour to her. Didn't I tell you as much when you were here? I don't know why everyone is so surprised when I've been correcting them for weeks. And this will be an end to the theory that Ben is an admirer of yours, Anne - how could Charles think that? Really."

(Mary seems to have forgotten that she was the one that advanced the Ben-Anne theory, with no help from anyone.)

So that is astonishing, unexpected news!

Louisa and Ben are possibly the last two people I would have predicted to start up a relationship - she is so bubbly and light and he is somber and thoughtful. How strange! I suppose, when one is recovering from a serious accident, it puts you in a different frame of mind; maybe it changes you. It certainly threw Louisa and Ben together for several weeks - provided opportunity for something to happen, I guess.

I’m very happy for them both - being able to find happiness is always good. While everyone else seemed to think Ben would continue on forever in love with his late fiancé, I didn't get that from him. He was still very sad over the loss, but he seemed like a warm, caring guy, someone who would find love again. I only hope Wentworth doesn't feel betrayed. I hope he went away from Lyme because he realized his feelings for Louisa were not that strong. Ben and Wentworth are such close friends; I would hate to see that lost.

I learned this very interesting news and then had dinner with Dad and Beth where I suffered through their complete lack of interest in it all. I wished I was at the Lodge or with someone who cared - the news was so big, so surprising, and here I was with people who thought it merely a piece of country gossip! At least I can share it with you all who will understand!

In conclusion.  !!!