Changed

Wentworth has been at the lodge a lot - several dinners and evenings, a few afternoon outings. He doesn't speak to me except to say the most basic civilities. We are strangely together a lot and yet still worlds apart. I found myself sitting next to him one evening as a few of us were going to play cards. I tried to chat with him - not about anything serious, just something beyond ‘hello’, but he made an excuse to get up and change seats. I took the hint that he wanted our relationship to start and end with ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ and I didn't push it.

There was one evening, early on, when Louisa or Rietta asked him to recount his career, starting with where he went to university. He mentioned the year of our engagement while doing this and didn't falter at all but it must trigger reminders for him, even if all the old feelings are gone, right?

It hurts, that someone I was so close to, someone who is so good, is perpetually estranged. We are worse than strangers - since the possibility of ever being friends has been removed.

I find it so hard to meet people I connect with, who I can have interesting conversations with, be understood by - I can’t help but be sad that I have lost that. I am reduced to making comments about the weather and anything more is expertly avoided by him. I hear his conversations, they are always the most interesting ones in the room, and it kind of kills me that I can’t participate. He and I used to have great debates, I miss that. Now he gets gushing enthusiasm from Lousia, occasional thoughtful questions from Rietta, but no one really challenges him; I wonder if he likes that. Maybe. Maybe he has changed.

I need to stop thinking about this.