Saturday, November 29, 2014


Last night after dinner Rietta, Louisa and I made the drive to the local pub with Wentworth.

I tried to get out of it but Rietta was insistent and they needed a designated driver, so I went.  Thanks for the help with my poll about that yesterday, by the way. I got some sage wisdom through that, actually. My fave "Go out with them and show Wentworth that you're an interesting, self-confident person who does not need his company to have a good time. I believe in you, Anne!"   Wow. That actually made me think about my reasons for wanting to avoid going. Someone else pointed out that it's best to just get over the awkwardness with Wentworth. I totally agree, and I've been trying but he is so cold and just refuses any attempts on my part to even be normal-level friendly. How do you get past awkwardness when someone is throwing ice-daggers at you every time they look at you?

Anyway. I went with them. Harboured delusions that it might be fun, even.

Once there, she and Louisa were desperate for some dancing so they fed the retro jukebox to get a Madonna song and pulled Wentworth onto a dance floor while I held our table, watching them with a smile fixed on my face as Wentworth flirted with both of them.

At one point I was on the phone with Mary, who was trying to get me to come home and make her tea, and I thought I felt Wentworth staring at me - probably observing all the ways in which I have aged poorly. I heard him ask “does Anne dance?” to which Rietta replied “Anne? Oh no, she gave up dancing years ago.” It made me sound like an old grandma, but it’s true - Rietta and I used to hit the dance floor together a few years ago, but I've stopped. Clubs and dance floors have lost their appeal.

They didn't dance for long - Wentworth talked them into games of pool -Wentworth with one of the girls and me with the other, with Lousia and Rietta switching teams every game. Notably no one suggested I be on Wentworth’s team. I wonder if anyone notices how weird it is between him and I? Anyway, I’m a terrible pool player - except for the occasional very lucky shot that makes me look like a pool shark. Wentworth is quite good, so he tried to teach his teammate how to make a good shot. It was exactly what you are picturing - him leaning over Rietta/Lousia to adjust their grip on the cue - not in a skeevy way, not gratuitously, but in their personal space. Needless to say no one was fighting to be on my team.

I’m working hard during this to be agreeable, to have fun, but it was hard. His cold politeness is so hard to bear - I sometimes wish he were openly angry with me instead. With everyone else he is lively and charming, funny, witty, kind, and fully of interesting anecdotes, with me it is icy civility and nothing more. To have him be this way and pretend that it doesn't affect me, it’s exhausting. I slip away for occasional moments - to get a drink, to go to the bathroom, to vent on twitter, anything that will give me a few minutes where I don’t have to smile and pretend that I’m enjoying watching all this.

I came home and went to bed and was finally free of having to put on a happy face for everyone, and then I lay in bed and am confronted with the images of Wentworth with Louisa or Rietta, his hand on theirs, his smile at something they say. All these images.

(Special thanks to @EstherJoybelle, @mayusteapot, @RoxiOnti who helped distract me via twitter last night!)

1 comment :

  1. You're welcome, Anne! It does sound exhausting, but you survived.