Saturday, December 6, 2014


I drove back to the city today to meet up with a friend I haven't seen in ages. It was a much needed day of lighthearted fun - catching up over lunch, hearing about her recent travels (I really need to see more of the world), helping her do some Christmas shopping for her enormous family.

She asked how things were going with me and I told her a bit about my recent awkward encounters, but I didn't dwell on it. I realize I've been focusing the blog on that aspect of my life because it is one of the things that hits me hardest in my otherwise quiet life, but it is not all consuming. Wentworth is here and sometimes it's awkward (for me, he's able to be relaxed and socialize with the others), but I'm learning to live with it, I'm growing a thicker skin. If you had told me three weeks ago that I would be regularly having dinner in his company and not conversing with him but also not being reduced to a stuttering mess by his presence, I wouldn't have believed you.  Quite often we're at the same table and I'm having a normal conversation with Rietta or Mrs. Musgrove and Wentworth is at the other end of the table having his own conversation and it is all quite  normal; he's just another guest at the table. Amazing what time can do. Amazing what weirdness can become normal with enough repetition.

When I told my friend a bit about the awkwardnesses, she called Wentworth a jerk for behaving the way he is. I see why she thinks that, he is being cold, and making this harder than it needs to be. I would rather just have the one awful conversation and try to clear the air and move on, but I think he's still hurt and angry about what I did. I can understand that. In some cruel way it is meaningful to me that he cared enough about me for my actions to cause this degree of pain - not that I meant to or wanted to cause pain, but in all the years since that happened, I had kind of convinced myself that he probably didn't care about me as much as I thought he did. Now I realize that was wrong.  I mean, it's too late now, but having an accurate understanding of the past is worth something, right?

Anyway, my friend and I had a wonderful day together. Life is not all awkward encounters!

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